Self sabotage, how we do it to ourselves and how to stop it

This month has been a challenging month for me.  It has been the month I came closest to calling it quits on running my own business and working for myself, and instead thinking about going back into employment.

And what’s really strange about that, is that November has been one of the best months for my business.  I was lucky in that I had just established a couple of significant contracts going into the pandemic, so with that and other work, we were very busy all through lockdowns.  But coming out of the last lockdown, projects were finishing, and things got a little slower.  And I was okay with that, it was what I expected.  I worked in corporate Learning and Development roles for 25 years, I know this is a difficult and challenging time, there is a lot of change and uncertainty in organisations and for many it’s not the time for big new training projects, or bringing in new untested partners.

But then November came and not only were we as a business really busy, I got to do the things I love, and the things where I think I can make a difference, both for individuals and for organisations:

• We had two lovely (second!) celebration events at Queens for the ILM Level 5 Coaching programmes and had our first group supervision sessions

• I got the certificates for the ILM Level 3 coaching programme for the Simon Community NI, and have a celebration event to come.  And I was planning a new level 3 programme for a new client.

• I started facilitating a new online SEDA accredited mentoring programme

• I worked with a range of coaching clients, including completing the last session with a client and seeing all that she had achieved, and starting work with a brilliant new coaching client

• I started a new OD consultancy project with a new client, getting out and talking to staff to help the organisation get a better idea of a particular situation and what would help

• I was marking coaching assignments for a postgraduate course, listening to coaching conversations and seeing the difference coaching can make in the Health Service

• We facilitated a team session for IT Sligo, helping them and their partner colleges take a hugely ambitious project forward and move towards becoming a new Technological University

• I got to act as role model for the Yes you Can programme and met new entrepreneurs at the start of their business journey, hopefully helping them along the way

• I had my first blog post published by Women in Business

And on top of that I have been planning events for December, and agreeing projects with new organisational clients for the new year. 

So why was this one of the most difficult months for me and why did I consider going back to full time employment?  It doesn’t make sense does it?

And of course, it doesn’t make sense.  Because we don’t use sense and rational thinking to self-sabotage.

I have been a coach for a long time, and worked in personal development for even longer before that.  I know myself pretty well.  A big mantra of mine is that all development starts with growing your self-awareness, and that need for self-awareness never ends.  I like being busy, doing different things and working with different people, I like being in control, and I always want to ensure that things get done right.  All good in moderation.  Not so good, when that moderation starts to slip!

So, I started thinking about new projects, and beat myself up when I didn’t submit a proposal for a leadership programme that actually wasn’t a great fit. I felt guilty for not doing the free training for women that I had hoped to do in November.   I signed up for an online training course that promised to transform my business strategy, but that I knew I wouldn’t have time to complete.  I wrote a lot of to do lists (my way of being in control) that I never really looked at.  I tweaked a lot of content and researched and added to things, always looking for perfect, but never quite getting there or accepting good enough!

A lot of our self-sabotaging behaviour stems from self-preservation, from trying to protect ourselves, and from things that have worked for us before, that are old and ingrained habits, but habits that aren’t so useful anymore. So, ironically, in doing all of this, subconsciously, I was trying to help myself. 

But did it help me?  The answer of course is no. 

So, what did I do to help myself? 

The first step for me was recognising what was happening.  In a way that was kind and understanding, not giving myself something else to beat myself up about. 

In my own way I had been trying to protect myself.  But I was giving my inner critic too much airspace and I was listening to the shy timid girl I once was, rather than the person I am now.  Subconsciously, I had been trying to stop myself from getting ‘above my station’ and failing. 

Once I had recognised what was happening, there was a shift.  I was able to see things in a different light and put some steps in place that I know work for me.  I was able to talk about and address what was happening and learn from it.

This has been quite a personal piece and I’m sharing it for two reasons. 

One, I am a big believer in sharing that I am not perfect.  I’ve 25 years in personal development and over 15 in coaching and I’m not perfect.  Nobody is, we all make mistakes, and we all are learning and growing.  No one, no matter what it looks like from the outside, is perfect or has it all sorted.

And secondly because I want anyone who is reading this to think about themselves.  My guess is that you are self-sabotaging your success and happiness in some way, you wouldn’t be human in you weren’t.  What I did is so common when we are experiencing change, or when we are on track to achieve a big goal.  We like familiarity, even when that familiarity doesn’t help us

So, take a moment to think about you, think about what is going on in your life right now and think about what you are doing that might be holding you back.  It’s not about judging, or criticising, it’s about building that self-awareness and recognising what might be happening.  The first, and most important, step in stopping self-sabotage is recognising when you are doing it.